I've found myself... unable, at moments, to contain my resentment towards people who aren't taking simple precautions during the pandemic, when they would be no burden at all.
Many people have died. Many people had their lives, or livelihoods, ruined or destroyed. Some of this (a small portion, in almost all jurisdictions) was caused by the government ordered lockdowns, but most of it was caused by the danger. The disease is out there. And so people didn't want to go... anywhere.
I'm trying, even in my darkest moments, to leave a path open to forgiveness. If you were unwilling to be a citizen, meet the demands society asked of you... there has to be some pathway back from that. But without an apology, or even any remorse, I'm just learning about who doesn't care at all about anything but themselves. Who doesn't care about the social contract, which goes above and beyond any laws. And let me tell you, this is an extremely unflattering thing for me to learn about someone.
The costs of this pandemic are so huge they can't be comprehended by the human mind. We can't engage in the proper amount of mourning for the dead. Nobody's asked us to, perhaps to spare us the shame of not being able to. There are too many. I don't know what to do.
And when I hear about someone making fun of people for wearing masks, I think of those dead people, and... my heart collapses. I have found myself trapped in a car at a public park, unable to exit the car even to pick up food because so many people are walking around without masks that I just can't open the door.
I have found myself feeling disgust at people who aren't doing their part to end this, that aren't taking serious precautions. I do not want to hate them, but I want to be honest with myself, and with you. And I just can't bear this anymore.
I don't want to be disgusted at so many people I share this wonderful country with. I want this to be over, but I can't move past what I learned about them.
I will leave a space, a path in my heart, for people who weren't good citizens. I fight for it, every time I feel this way, that I don't close my heart off in hatred, making that hatred eternal.
But I will never trust any of these politicians again. I won't trust any public figure who used their microphone to say this wasn't a big deal and you ought not help out, even if it's just by helping yourself. I don't expect anything from strangers, but there is no path back for a public figure who rallied others around limp, ineffective, deadly complacency.
The shame I would feel, if I acted as poorly as a fragment of this country is... if I cared so little about the costs I imposed on others... I would have certainly killed myself by now, if I were like them. I cannot possibly imagine how they stand being that way. I hope to never find out. And I'm not interested in ever speaking with them, until they construct an apology, something to demonstrate they want to take the path back to accepted member of civilization. The path to being a truer citizen, someone who is a part of something, instead of just looking for what they can extract.
Until I hear that, they can all go fuck themselves.