I don't get angry with people. I will very occasionally get frustrated, but I don't get into fights where people are yelling and such.
This might not be ideal. It might be a manifestation of the same reticence that leads to me not talking to landlords when something goes wrong in my apartment, for fear I'd be making too many demands of them. It's utterly irrational, I get it. I need to get better at stating my needs.
But it also occurs to me that, if you feel like you're not getting heard, even after stating your needs, you've fallen into the quintessential modern trap: rejecting a thousand+-year-old way of doing things, without an understanding of what you ought to use to replace it.
People have been yelling at each other for much longer than a thousand years.
I don't think I've ever screamed at someone. Maybe not even as a child? I was bizarrely calm, from the stories I've heard, ever since I had language.
But screaming at people – a tool to use exceptionally rarely, obviously – is something that people have been doing to hash out their issues since before history began. It's possible I've discarded this tool too early, if I find my issues un-hashed.
Here's the replacement I've recently tried to use, for a conflict that mere words have not solved over weeks of discussion: I just imagine what I'd yell at someone. I'm a pretty calm guy, so realistically, I'm not sure I could sustain yelling at someone for, like, five minutes. That's literally unimaginable – I tried, pretty hard, to imagine something like that, and I couldn't. That's not who I am.
But I could probably yell a few things, in those moments where I'm most upset with someone. And it helped me figure out the root of what upset me, and what I needed to be heard. A vivid imagination for 30 minutes left me with one or two sentences I can say to someone, and if I give it a codename or something I'm sure it'll be memorable.
That's all we want. We want to be heard, to have someone understand the turmoil they've caused inside of us, when we yell. Sometimes we just need to let that turmoil out.
But I think it can be let out into our imaginations first, if you've taken the time to develop a strong imagination. Obviously that's a bit of a longer term process, but if that's an option, it sure seems better than just boiling and boiling and boiling until you don't get to choose when you explode. That's... not good at all.
I'm not sure I can improve upon tradition. I don't think I can – real wisdom is knowing when to subordinate yourself and your reasoning to the observation that the world exists the way it has for a reason. That all the parts are important even when they don't seem to be.
But considering I'm already throwing tradition out of the window by not yelling at people, it is my duty to find a replacement. And this seems reasonable.