I've been feeling a bit self-conscious, lately, about not having any meaningful experiences of collective effervescence. This might be important, or not, it's extremely difficult to figure out. I'm not going to worry about it, but merely observe that as people get older their appetite for this diminishes somewhat, and just assume it's okay I continue at whatever pace feels comfortable.

But I've never truly enjoyed dancing, alone or in groups. I've never had a profound sense of religious revelation. I've never enjoyed a protest or felt solemnity at a vigil. I've not experienced the fandom you can feel at sports events. I didn't even attend my college graduation ceremony, they just mailed the diploma to me.

I didn't figure out how to have fun until well into my adulthood, and I guess I missed some parts.

It's a dangerous thing, like all powerful drugs are. I'm seeing a world throwing itself into more chaos than events justify, largely with this amplifying both their sense of righteousness and distress. But I've felt deeply alone, for as far back as I have any memories. It doesn't sadden me like it did when I was a child – I've become perhaps too comfortable with the idea that no crowds are worthwhile.

If I'm missing something important, I'd want people who care about me to help me find a way to it. Humans are social animals, and I worry my whole self, who I am supposed to be, is supposed to be, sometimes, hundreds of people. That I ought to be lost in more moments, and lost in more crowds.

Are there any crowds out there worth being in, and willing to have me?