Look, whenever I'm desperate for a topic here, I can't help but find inspiration in The Atlantic. They have by far more respect than anyone else who runs "native ads" (read: paid editorial content) positively portraying Scientology and deleting all negative comments about Scientology. That they have so much respect is a bit confusing to me, but hey, we all make our own reading decisions.

So I'm sitting down with my lunch and looking over recent things they've published, and they don't disappoint me at all: "Can A Dolphin Really Commit Rape?", asks The Atlantic. Well, thank goodness they're asking the real questions of 2019. A very brief search through their archives confirms they're really just following up their previous pieces, "How Your Cat Is Making You Crazy", "Why We Think Cats Are Sociopaths", "Are Cities Making Animals Smarter?", and "How Cats Used Humans To Conquer The World". You'd think world domination would be the last step in how cats have escalated hostilities, but that just means you haven't also read The Atlantic's "Do Cats Control My Mind?"

Now, it's fun to laugh at The Atlantic's unhinged ongoing reporting on cats. Don't worry, there's no caveat there. I had a pretty fun time finding those.

But The Atlantic isn't the only clickbait-optimized trash-heap to decide pets are their best target – I recall hearing multiple promotional ads for this NPR piece about someone admonishing their dog for being racist. It's worth saying, this is why people think NPR is biased. Not because they read the piece (or listened) – but because they heard the promo, were disgusted by the waste of human effort that would go into it, and ignore everything beyond the headline and short description they heard.

Can we all just agree that animals incapable of understanding complex grammar or human thought can be excused? The dogs (who are definitely not racist, to be clear) aren't going to improve anyway. And dogs are great. Cats are pretty great too, but in a different way, obviously.

The cats probably do control the minds of The Atlantic's editors, though. That one article was for real.